Putting An End To Loniliness In A Marriage

Married but lonely? You are not alone! After the long road of finding the right guy (or the okay guy that you patiently waited on to become the right guy due to some boyish mannerisms that could not be avoided (sigh) - don’t get me started on that today), you date and it is bliss, for most parts of the courtship anyway and he finally proposes. Thank goodness. Took him sometime but hey, that does not matter now. Why? Because he is yours. He is finally yours forever and ever and you are going to build such a beautiful life together. After stressing about how expensive the wedding is (that’s if you don’t have some awesome parents who saved up for your wedding from the day you were born), you are left with huge debts but all the same, you are excited to start a new life with the love of your life. Now weeks, months or even years have gone by. For some, kids are in the picture but you and hubby are speaking two different languages. The scary part is that loneliness in marriage often happens slowly and overtime, we gradually start to disconnect from our spouses. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to reach him and in most cases, your spouse might not be in a hurry to fix it. So you are left in limbo. Which only makes you even lonelier. What next? Is the relationship redeemable at this point or should one walk away? After all, it is pretty bad. Most discussions are purely centred around mutual interests like —“We are out of bread,” “Your parents are coming by,” or “Did you remember to pay the DSTV (cable) bill?”—or focused solely on parenting. In some cases, couples fall into daily routines that subconsciously encourage emotional distance. One person watches television in the bedroom while the other is on the phone, or one goes to bed at 9 pm and wakes at 5 am while the other goes to bed at midnight and wakes at 8 am. In other words, the love and affection diminishes but we stay in the marriage; ironically afraid of being lonely, running into the arms of the very thing we are again away from. So how can we fix it? (Or at least try) Well it took some time to get to the broken part so fixing it requires (major) practice and (Jesus like) patience, but improving our ‘rusty’ love skills will make a significant difference in the quality of your relationship bond and deepen your connections with other people in our lives that we care about. So: 1. Take the initiative. If you’re lonely, chances are your hubby is lonely too and misses all the things that made him fall in love with you in the first place. Like you, he is trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and feels helpless to break it. If it has lingered for too long, he might have even tried to cure his loneliness in the arms of another woman. He soon realises that the happiness only exists for that moment. (Hopefully that is not your situation). So fix it now before it gets to a point if no return by initiating conversations that are not centred around transactional information. Show him you care by asking him for his views about something he deeply cares about and make sure to demonstrate you’re listening. Give him some time. Be patient. Don’t expect him to do the same right away, as habits take time to change, but after a few gestures of goodwill he will likely return the favour. 2. Create shared experiences. So you hate football or some show he never misses, join him at the start of his favourite show. Sit next to him and say, “You are literally obsessed with this show, let me check it out and find out what am missing.” He most likely might be confused, suspicious, or both, but just be sincere and try to see the show through his eyes, even if it’s not your thing. After the show, tell him what you appreciated about—even if it was terrible, find something! Women around the world have become football fans by compromising this way! Get a baby sitter and catch a movie or a night in a hotel away from the kids. Arrange holidays once or twice a year. Basically, encourage activities that you both will enjoy doing together. 3. Practice taking their perspective. The longer we’re married, the more we tend to assume we know what the other person is thinking. It is a bad habit that is hard to shake off. But research clearly indicates this is not so. Figuring out another person’s perspective is a thought exercise that is paramount to the success of our relationships. One literally has to close their eyes and focus for a few minutes (not seconds) on the other person’s perspective, imagining their world and their point of view within it. Seeing the world through his eyes will help you gain a greater understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings hence allowing you to express more sympathy and understanding toward him—in turn, deepening your mutual bond. In your opinion what is the biggest cause of emotional detachment? What other ways can couples bridge the gap of loneliness? 

#Marriage #Relationships #Loneliness #Couples #Dating