The Fear of Losing a Child – A Mother’s Nightmare

My mother is the strongest person I know. She has the persona of a man and a woman all in one. She is my father and mother all in one. She is very hardworking, courageous and passionate. Being raised by such an exceptional single woman had a huge influence on how my life and personality turned out.

In the spring of 2012, one chilly yet sunny afternoon while I was helping out in my mum’s salon (Cardiff, UK), I got a sudden, sharp and excruciating pain in my stomach. Unable to bear the pain, I made my way back home. After several hot water bottles and painkillers, it was evident that I needed urgent medical attention. 30 minutes later, my mum and I were in the A&E after an ambulance ride wondering what on earth could have brought this on. I was admitted and the doctors started running tests (The story for what my condition was is for another post). While I was laying on the hospital bed, my mum looked at me helplessly and the next thing I knew she was wiping away silent tears from her eyes. My mother never cries. As a matter of fact, that was the first and last time I ever saw her cry.

Today, I received a call from Jeremiah’s school that he had an extremely high temperature and I needed to pick him up and rush him to the hospital. Jeremiah is an extremely happy child and I absolutely love this about him. However his happy disposition can sometimes be very misleading as amazingly he still finds the strength to jump up and down even when he doesn’t feel too well.

As we sat in the hospital waiting room waiting for his test results, I couldn’t help but wonder. Was it my fault? Did I miss something? Did the nanny miss something? My mind kept pacing, I felt so helpless. My happy and active Jeremiah was extremely quiet and cranky, clinging onto me like his life depended on my touch. It was this moment that took me back to the spring of 2012 in Cardiff. As I recalled my mother crying by my bedside, I struggled to hold back my tears. My son needed me more now than ever before.

“Master Jeremiah!” As the pediatrician called out his name my mind snapped back to reality. The look on the doctor’s face said it all. She said Jeremiah’s white blood cell count was extremely high and the usual oral antibiotics would not suffice. He had to come in for daily injections until the infection is cleared. She continued to explain but I could not hold back the tears. I sobbed uncontrollably as the nanny held Jeremiah who was now fast asleep in her arms. I had to blame the tears on pregnancy hormones when the doctor tried to console me because I just couldn’t get myself to stop crying! Feeling my new baby moving in my womb made matters worse as I thought to myself “if I cannot protect one, how can I take care of another?” A short while later, I got myself together.

As I reflected on that day, I realized that my tears were not because Jeremiah was ill, it was the fear of the unknown that caused my downpour. The mere thought of losing my son was enough to break me down. I was overwhelmed by fear, the fear of losing my child. That same fear broke my mum’s hard exterior.

PS: If you don't remember anything from this post, please remember that fear is not from God but from Satan (2 Timothy 1:7). According to Joyce Meyer, every time you feel fear in your life, it's a manifestation of the kingdom of darkness. Fear is the spirit Satan uses to try to rule God's people and keep them from coming under the leadership of the true Master, Jesus Christ.”

Have you had a similar experience? As a mother, what’s your greatest nightmare? Please leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you.