Good Mum, Bad Wife? Finding a Balance.

We mothers sometimes find it hard to balance motherhood and our duties as wives. I feel this is most common in cases where we do not have enough support around us. At times we can be so hard on ourselves that guilt starts to set in. Living in Nigeria gives me the advantage of getting an affordable nanny / housekeeper but the balancing act can still prove difficult especially if you do not completely trust them. Culture has taught us that we cannot fully trust or rely on our help, so, how do you maintain being the best mother ever without forgetting your husband?

Now, I have to admit that there are times I have struggled to balance being a good mum and a good wife. I discovered earlier on during my pregnancy that TY loves his quality time with me and me alone. Normally, we just watch traditional Nigerian movies (which I am not a big fan of, I feel like the storylines are so predictable, there is always a King, Queen, Chiefs and some juju / whitchcraft scenes which put me off because they are monotonous. Anyway its probably just me haha!!) but what makes it special is that its quality time for me and him alone. I usually love my space but I have to admit that I have grown to love our quality time. This is because he is extremely outgoing and loves his time with the guys as well, so I do enjoy having him all to myself.

So how am I balancing the two major roles of motherhood and being a wife?

The key is structure and routine. When my son was 6 weeks old, my in-laws left and it was mainly just the baby and I. As we know, one cannot take too much time off work especially in the UK, so my biggest supporters (mum and brother) had gone back to work fulltime. I was exhausted most nights because he had wind and seeing as I was struggling with breastfeeding, I would switch his formula in the process of trying to find the right fit, which did not help matters.

Left frustrated and crying some nights, I yearned to come back to my new home in Nigeria. I hoped that being in my own space as opposed to my mum's place in Cardiff would help me get into a routine and also get me some extra help. Determined to find a solution I went on Google and typed ‘Baby Routines’. There was a lot of information; however there was one book that came highly recommended, "Contented Little Baby Book" by Gina Ford." I bought it on Amazon for £9.00 (approximately N3, 500) and I have never looked back! We all know there is a lot of advice around when you have just had a baby which can be so confusing, but this book just made sense! After reading the wise words of Gina Ford, no one and I mean no one could offer me advice about my baby’s routine, not even my own mother!! Gina Ford became my guardian angel. I had to remember that I had a big baby (TY) waiting for me at home to take care of him too so I followed the book to the latter. I remember two weeks into getting my baby into routine he slept for 10 hours straight! I slept for about 9 hours when I woke up I panicked because he had not woken up for a feed. It was relief to know that I was the one waking him up.

Most mothers will tell you not to hold your breath for a 6-hour sleep between feeds and here I was with a humongous 10 hours of uninterrupted bliss! Having experienced this good sleep, you can bet I continued with the routine and stuck to what suited my baby. I didn’t follow everything the book suggested, but instead adopted the things that worked well with Jeremiah, and can honestly say, now that he is 18 months, we have a perfect routine going. He has a set bed- time and we (nanny and I) do not have to pat or back him (carry baby using a sling) to sleep, in fact he self soothes. At times I can hear him singing himself to sleep, so cute.

My son’s routine gives me so much more structure in my day, allowing me more time to attend to TY. I have more time to cook some of his favourite dishes or for us to have a well-deserved night out on the town; all while our little man is tucked up in bed, all thanks to Gina Ford's book. So as I prepare myself for the second baby, I am not afraid of commotion, sleepless nights and I have a good idea of what to expect.

How do you juggle being a wife with being a mother?

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